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After hearing much ado about the “public option” on the news and so forth, I was confused, so I looked it up, and found it! It’s right there in the US Constitution, Article I, Section 11. The whole thing is covered, you just have to look it up. It’s that easy. Amazingly, I also found the section on abortion.

Section 11: The Public Option

Every person residing in the United States shall be entitled to health insurance. Although such indemnity does not exist yet, we know that it will in the future. At that point, the government shall see to it that every person living in any of the states shall have health insurance, regardless of their status as a citizen of that state or of the nation. This is known heretofore as the Public Option.

Currently we are each responsible for maintaining our own health, but we realize that this notion is simplistic and naive. In the future we will need a major bureaucratic socialist government program to manage individual health plans for all people in the United States.

The federal government shall not deny Universal Health Care to any person for any purpose, including but not limited to: race, religion, sex, citizenship status, slavery status, intelligence, career choices, drug addictions, mental illness, sexual preference, or favorite music and television programs.

Exceptions:

1. End of Life Council: The government shall maintain an End of Life Council (commonly known as the Death Panel) to determine which people in old age or with terminable diseases should live or die. People deemed expendable shall be euthanized on authorization of the Death Panel.

2. Unborn children shall have no rights whatsoever, not the right to live, nor the right to a fair trial to determine if they should live or die based on whether they have followed the law. Their fate shall be solely determined by their respective mothers. See Section 12.

3. Christians can take care of themselves; in fact they can go screw themselves while they’re at it. We know that this nation was founded by Christians and that we are all Christians writing this document, but we also realize that we are selfish, domineering, and overbearing interventionists that have no business running this or any country. We should all die.

4. People that eat fried food, or other foods deemed unhealthy by the Food Panel, shall pay a higher tax for their government health insurance than other people that live healthier lives.

5. Any conservative that is not able to work and pay taxes anymore shall be put to death. We have no further use for these know-it-all, overassertive, authoritarian bastards (like us).

Section 12: Abortion

Yes, abortion is a Constitutional Right. We have it written right here in Article I. We wouldn’t have included it unless we wanted to make it perfectly clear that any woman has the right to abortion without cause or delay.

It has been hereby resolved that the unborn have no rights whatsoever, not the right to live, nor the right to a fair trial to determine if they should live or die based on whether they have followed the law. Their fate shall be solely determined by their respective mothers.

A woman may abort a child for any reason, at any time, including but not limited to: inconvenience, financial issues, dislike of children, retardation, barbarism, suicidal tendencies, drug problems, or simply a desire to get revenge on the person that impregnated them. We know that any time a woman has sex it is technically rape anyway.

Exceptions: Do not attempt to abort the child after it has fully emerged from the womb. At that point, it suddenly becomes a human entity and is thus entitled to Universal Health Insurance and other rights afforded to every person except for Christians, conservatives, and old or diseased people. Make sure to abort the child while at least part of it is still inside the womb, for now. We are still working on a way to delete children that have been born, but having a difficult time with the justification thereof. We hope in the future some brilliant minds in the government can figure this out.