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There are many derogatory jokes about red necks, a non-protected species, but if you think about it, which few do, they are the very same people that:
1. Repair your car or boat
2. Fix your plumbing
3. Raise your beef and dairy cattle
4. Grow your fruit
5. Harvest your grains
6. Build your house (or at least supervise those who do)
7. Make your beer and whisky
8. Rewire your electricity
9. Provide your lawn service
10. Protect your neighborhood with a shotgun

How long do you think you would make it without rednecks?

Even though our entire country and economy are going down the drain, sports always survive and are unaffected by economic turmoil. Somehow or another, people will always pay for sports. We should therefore strive to make American sports the best they can be. Thus:

The American Sports Improvement Act

This amendment to the constitution shall require several changes to make sports more satisfying and rewarding to the American people, and shall enforce the following tenets:

1. No sports game of any kind, including football, baseball, and horse racing, shall be conducted on artificial surface, including but not limited to Astroturf, Polytrack, Pro-ride, Tapeta, etc. All artificial surfaces in use shall be converted to dirt or grass within one year of enactment.

2. NCAA Division 1 College Football shall implement a playoff system of at least 8 teams in order to determine the national football champion. Bowls may be used to conduct the playoff. Recommendations from sports experts not currently on the payroll of the good-ole-boy network shall be considered for a merit based playoff system.

3. The Monday directly following the NFL Super Bowl championship shall be declared a national holiday. Every working person shall have the day off from their employer in order to recover from the previous day’s festivities and riots. Unemployed persons may take a day off from their job search. Wall Street, if still in business, shall be closed that day.

TSA is offering new pat-down packages for those uneasy with the current situation:
1. Super Pat Down ($25): offers private room and a cheap glass of California wine from this century, 15 minutes for a great pat-down experience.
2. VIP Pat Down ($50): full bottle of cheap California wine and a pat down lasting up to 30 minutes, or however long you desire.
3. Ultimate Pat Down ($100): this is the ultimate VIP room. Includes 1 bottle of cheap California champagne, in a smoking room with cheap Dominican cigars available (for extra purchase) and a pat-down lasting for up to 1 hour if you desire. Travel in style after the Ultimate Pat Down!

Breaking News. The Real Deal has discovered that the man who has been appearing in front of cameras as Gov. Blagojevich (blah-go’-ya-bitch) of Illinois is actually a Saturday Night Live (SNL) actor masquerading as the Governor.

Gov. Blagojevich

The actor’s identity was revealed after a reporter spontaneously cracked up during yesterday’s press conference. The reporter stated, “after he started reading that poem I just lost it. I mean nothing he said had anything to do with the charges against the Governor, and then the random poem… I couldn’t help it anymore.”

It turned out that the reporter was part of a SNL crew that put together all of the recent press conferences. “Nobody outside of Chicago actually knew what the Governor looked like, so we just floated an actor and sold it to the public, and it even fooled the mainstream media. It’s over now, but we gave the public a good laugh.”

The Governor has actually been in jail pending indictment for the duration of the press conferences, and has not even had a chance to comment in public. But in an arrangement between SNL and the local Chicago media, who knew the Governor was inaccessible, they were able to put together solid entertainment during the news hour and heighten viewership.

Many began to wonder why the Governor would come on stage smiling with his 1980′s Chia pet hairdo and not address any of the questions that were asked of him, instead telling people of his greatness, and reading poetry. Speculations about the Governor were widely varied, some claiming he was on drugs, others that he was in a post-nervous-breakdown stage.

The local Chicago media outfits involved offered no apology. “With Obama stealing the spotlight, and the major networks getting all of that action, we really had nothing exciting,” said one local reporter. “All we had was another corrupt governor, but that’s nothing new around here. So we did what we had to do. We created entertainment and sold it as news.”

Most public viewers were not offended by the action either. Said one couch potato, “I have no problem with it. We’ve had such a great time watching and laughing at this character, who cares if he’s real or not? I was telling my buddy, ‘you can’t make this stuff up,’ but it turns out that’s exactly what they did. Whatever, it’s better than the real story I’m sure.”

The Real Deal even dispatched a reporter to the jail where Gov Blagojevich is being held, where the Governor remarked, “I couldn’t have done a better job myself. I mean, he successfully deflected all accusations and turned it around into some kind of self-glorification seminar with poetry. I never would have thought of that. It was brilliant.”

In fact, nobody interviewed seemed to care that the whole press conference series was a fraud, and seemed to prefer the comedy series instead.

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