Sponsors:  Godfather’s Pizza and the GOP

Location:  Chicago, IL

Moderator:  None

Participants:  Gov Mitt Romney, Gov Rick Perry, Gov Jon Huntsman, CEO Herman Cain, Sen Rick Santorum, Rep Newt Gingrich, Rep Ron Paul, Rep Michele Bachmann

In a more friendly form of debate this week, the GOP candidates gathered around for a friendly pizza party at Godfather’s Pizza to discuss the issues.  There was no moderator, but most of them were stuffing their faces enough that everyone had sufficient time to speak.

The results are in, and here is the summary of their individual performances.

Mitt Romney and his leftover pizza for Obama HQ

Candidate	Pizza Choice	Details
Rick Perry	1 large meat-lovers	Perry couldn’t quite finish his pizza, but gave it a good run.  He explained that the cattle and pork industry in Texas was large enough to feed the entire nation with all the meat-lovers pizzas they could buy.  He also poked fun at Mitt’s choice of pizza, calling it a “Romneycare pie.”
Mitt Romney	2 small veggie pizza	Mitt ate one entire personal thin crust pizza slowly with a fork and knife, taking time outs to rag on Perry’s policies, and at one point claimed that Perry’s pizza was probably made mostly by illegal immigrants from Texas. He sent his leftover pizza to Obama’s campaign headquarters.
Michele Bachmann	1 medium Hawaiian	Although she ordered a medium, Bachmann could only eat 2 slices before going to the restroom during the commercial break to purge.  After that, she was significantly hungry to eat one more slice.  She said if the income tax were removed, more Americans could eat pizza regularly.
Jon Huntsman	1 medium Peking pie	The Peking pizza consists of some chicken breast, peppers, and onions, topped with Peking duck sauce.  Huntsman said he discovered it while ambassador to China.  He said that companies should be able to experiment freely with pizza and come up with their own breakthrough ideas.
Rick Santorum	3 large pizzas: 1 supreme, 1 veggie, and 1 pepperoni	Santorum ate a few slices of the supreme, saying he liked meat but the veggies help with his constipation. He gave the rest to his family sitting nearby, explaining his girls like the veggie pies.  He claimed a proven track record of standing up for pizza choice in America.
Hermann Cain serves up some pie
Hermann Cain	1 medium pizza with sausage, ham and onions	Cain said he liked his pizza simple, but that it wasn’t as good as when he was CEO of Godfather’s.  He said that his 999 Plan would enable more pizza companies to go into business, as well as making pizza more affordable to taxpayers at all levels.
Newt Gingrich	2 medium supremes	Newt said he would have ordered a large, but might still go hungry, and that life is too short to not enjoy as much pizza as one wanted.  After all of that talk, he couldn’t finish the second one, but promised he would after he got home.  In between stuffing his pie-hole, he delivered his usual glib witticisms and told the fellow candidates to stop squabbling like children, but what else is new?
Ron Paul	1 medium supreme	Paul ate most of his supreme, supporting Santorum’s claim that the veggies help keep him regular.  He caveated that by defending everyone’s right to eat pizza however they want, without being judged.  He added that government intervention in the pizza industry causes problems, and vowed to get rid of pizza subsidies.  Paul also delivered the most memorable line, “nothing shuts my pie-hole but pie.”

http://realdealpolitics.com/blog/images/newt-cnn1.jpg

The winner of the debate? You decide. Just don’t judge based on their pizza orders…

(This has been a fictional piece of satire provided by Real Deal Politics.  The pizza party debate never happened but perhaps would be a good thing to have so we can find out more about the candidates.)

A black guy, an Arab, an illegal alien, a Muslim, a Christian, a communist, a messiah, a democrat, a drug addict, a socialist, an idiot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar….

The bartender asks: What can I get you, Mr. President?

To win game, correctly add up the total amount the filler words “and” or “uh” are used. Have a designated driver if traveling.

The American Sports Improvement Act

This amendment to the constitution shall require several changes to make sports more satisfying and rewarding to the American people, and shall enforce the following tenets:

1. No sports game of any kind, including football, baseball, and horse racing, shall be conducted on artificial surface, including but not limited to Astroturf, Polytrack, Pro-ride, Tapeta, etc. All artificial surfaces in use shall be converted to dirt or grass within one year of enactment.

2. NCAA Division 1 College Football shall implement a playoff system of at least 8 teams in order to determine the national football champion. Bowls may be used to conduct the playoff. Recommendations from sports experts not currently on the payroll of the good-ole-boy network shall be considered for a merit based playoff system.

3. The Monday directly following the NFL Super Bowl championship shall be declared a national holiday. Every working person shall have the day off from their employer in order to recover from the previous day’s festivities and riots. Unemployed persons may take a day off from their job search. Wall Street, if still in business, shall be closed that day.

Mr. Cole, who is an engineer by training, told many stories of the difficulty of working with the folks that the Obama administration has sent to save the auto industry. There have been many meetings where a 30+ year experience automotive expert has to listen to a newcomer to the industry, someone with zero manufacturing experience, zero auto industry experience, zero business experience, zero finance experience, and zero engineering experience, tell them how to run their business.

Mr. Cole’s favorite story is as follows:

There was a team of Obama people speaking to Mr. Cole (Engineer, automotive experience 40+ years, and Chairman of CAR). They were explaining to Mr. Cole that the auto companies needed to make a car that was electric and/or run on liquid natural gas (LNG) with enough combined fuel to go 500 miles so we wouldn’t ‘need’ so many gas stations. (A whole other topic). They were quoting BTU’s of LNG and battery life that they had looked up on some Internet website.

Mr. Cole explained that to do this you would need a trunk FULL of batteries and a LNG tank as big as a car to make that happen and that there were problems related to the laws of physics that prevented them from…

The Obama person interrupted and said (and I am quoting here) “These laws of physics? Who’s rules are those? We need to change that. We have the Congress and the Administration. We can repeal that law, amend it, or use an executive order to get rid of that problem. That’s why we are here, to fix these sorts of issues.”

Cattle Guards in CO

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the “guards,” probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

And these guys are running our country!!